Are You Preparing For A Fight With Your Spouse You Don’t Need To Have?

Adam Hillis
3 min readJun 21, 2018
Photo by dylan nolte on Unsplash

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? —Matthew 6:27

My wife and I are in a good place right now. We haven’t really had any fights or disagreements in awhile, and we’ve had a few nights of just sitting and talking that have been great.

We were able to go on a date a couple weeks ago and had an awesome time. Life is busy with kids and work, but we’re finding slivers of time for each other as we can and we’re maintaining our connection.

There’s this part of me that is waiting for something bad to happen.

Our pattern the first couple years of marriage was to do good for about 3–6 months, then we’d have an epic fight. And I mean EPIC fight. By our 5th anniversary we stretched those out to roughly every 9 months or so.

Year 8 and 9 we had maybe one insanity-inducing fight each of those years, and nothing since then. We just have what’d I call typical “flare-ups” once in awhile that all marriages have. Things always get worked out.

When things go good, and I start to notice they’re going good, is when I feel like those “flare-ups” happen. Throw in that we haven’t had one of our burn-the-place-down kind of fights in a couple years, and I get worried we’re due.

Life seems to work like the stock market going back and forth between bear and bull. If things get too out of whack one way you can expect that a correction will happen at some point.

This fear seems to often be what leads to fights though.

Because I’m waiting for it and expecting it, it’s almost as if I’m wishing it into my life. Like I’m attracting it with my thoughts.

There have been times some small offense would happen, and because I was waiting for something bad I’d throw out a “I knew this would happen,” or a “I was waiting for this side of you to come out again.”

My stupid comment came out of being hurt and angry and was the catalyst that sent things over the edge.

In reality, my fear is completely unfounded. Having this fear and dwelling on it is compounding my emotions into negativity.

Why can’t a good thing be a good thing? Why can’t I simply be proud that we’re doing well and believe that after 4,098 days of marriage we’ve matured to a point where we can keep it going well?

I wonder if subconsciously I want to sabotage things just so I can say, “I’m right and I knew this would happen.”

The ego is the enemy.

We often become what our focus is; good or bad. Don’t think about how you can avoid divorce; the bad. Think about how you can have a great marriage; the good.

Dwelling on the bad is going to bring about the bad. When we shift our minds to the positive in our marriages we help keep the good thing rolling.

We should be doing everything in our power to stay on the positive path we are currently on, rather than worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet.

Stop wasting good energy that could be put into loving your spouse and keeping the momentum going.

Stop worrying.

You’re doing good. Nothing bad is about to happen.

Keep doing what you’re doing, and put your focus on doing it even better.

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Adam Hillis

Crafting educational email courses for coach/creators || Coaching men to connect w/ their wife & kids, and themselves || I juggle marriage, kids, and words